2 ways of being attractive to others

I will easily acknowledge that what I am about to say are at two ends of a spectrum. Which anything in the middle of that spectrum can be useful, but is also open to interpretation. Because of this, I am going to lay out both ends of the spectrum as the two options to understand and consider. Then know that anything between them could also be applicable, just maybe not as effective depending on the goal. Remember when reading this, that people will be attracted to what THEY find attractive. This is usually hard wired, and then re-enforced or altered as we get older. Most people don’t have much control over what they find attractive though. Bio/Psych evolution has been thoroughly studied, and it impacts us all the time.

1. Be who you want to be:

   • This is really just becoming/evolving/building yourself into whatever version of yourself that you want to be. A good goal would be to do this, so that you become the best version of yourself. Perfectly acceptable, and sometime the most optimum choice. However, you must understand that your pool of potential partners/GF-BF/husband-wife etc.. is going to be those people that find the type of person you have become attractive. If you are attracted to a specific type of person, and they don’t find the specific type of person you have become, then it won’t work.

2. Become a person, that the people you are attracted to, are attracted to in return:

   • This is becoming the best version of yourself that the kinds of people you find attractive, also find you attractive. This requires quite a bit of work, in that you must understand what the person you are looking to be with, wants in return. This might very well mean changing your behavior, habits, the lens at which you look at the world, and even goals.

Have the ability to be specific about what you are meaning to convey

Often times in conversation, people will use a verbal version of shorthand to get a concept or idea across in a quick way. In the personal world, some examples would be….

“I could feel their energy’' or “They were being really mean” or perhaps “Life is really dragging on me right now”

In a business setting,. an example would be something like…

“You really need you to be a team player” or “You can make as much money as you want here” or something like “We really need you to do better”

If you can’t explain what you mean clearly and concisely, with specifics to where most people would easily understand the actually meaning of what you are trying to convey, then at least thinking about it more in this way, will not only allow you to further explain if asked (you will actually sound like you are intelligent and thoughtful), you will almost assuredly understand what you think, and why you think it better, for yourself.

In order to word this correctly, and it be received correctly, it has to be done through a clear lens. Meaning it can’t be skewed from your own history, experience, trauma, or emotion. This is incredibly difficult to do. It is something that one should strive for though. With this approach, as long as you are the one giving or asking for clarification in good faith, people can be really understood. This doesn’t mean their will be agreement or no conflict, but there won’t be any confusion over meaning. Also, if you strive for this type of communication (clear lens), you won’t fall into the trap of “well, everyone has some sort of bias/skew/aka dirty lens, so it is ok if I have one too.”

Being able to do this with good intent is also necessary for good communication. It can change how you deliver something, and how someone is likely to receive it. This can also be affected by someone’s “lens”.

Emotional Intelligence

This phrase is used a lot in today's vernacular. It is commonly used to describe as expressing ones feelings. I think this is a bad definition, as a baby/infant/toddler/kid can express an emotion, but that doesn't mean that they are emotionally intelligent. I think there is a lot more to it that needs to be unpacked and understood.

Steps:

• Express emotion, or feel the need to

• Realize you are having the emotion

• This is either you recognizing the feeling, you realize in the moment of expressing it, or after the fact when reflecting. Ie…. Why am I feeling angry; body posture changes along with facial expression, voice raises and take on aggressive tone, yelling.

• Scrutinize what/why. What caused you to get angry? What was the trigger? - specifically identify the cause

• Self investigate through a logical lens of "if" the reason/trigger was worth getting angry over. IS what you are angry about worth getting angry at? To what purpose does getting angry help you? Does it serve you well?

• If not, stop being angry (dismiss, breath, take a walk, refuse to engage, etc…)

• If it was worth getting angry, then decide "to what degree". Ie… worth pointing out, having a difficult discussion, stop the interaction.

• Condense all of this down into as close to real time as you can. It isn’t easy, and takes a lot of work with tremendous amount of mental discipline to not allow your emotions to get in the way of making good decision.

Men’s Improvement in the modern world

Being a Man in today’s world has become a challenge to navigate at times. In my twenties I thought I new what it took to be a man. I think I had the right general idea. Be strong, make good decisions, be courteous to others, give people the benefit of the doubt, respect women and make them happy, Protect and Provide for my family, etc….. Most of the ideas I had were a good start, but the actual understanding and the application of the thought process and actions it took to execute these ideas was off more times than not. It wasn’t until my 30s, and even into my early 40s that I developed a more applicable approach to life and relationships. My goal is to shorten that curve for anyone I can. My blogs will normally entail a topic that I will lay out, then dissect, analyze, and give my thoughts on. I am in no way saying my way is the only way, nor the best way, but it is a way that makes sense and works.